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Post all your jokes here
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Please don't post jokes that are under the belt. ;)
By Corzza
#653531
There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: shot, hanged or injected with AIDS virus for a slow death.

The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." BANG! He was dead instantly.

The Italian said, "Just hang me." SNAP! And he was gone.

Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.

The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots!". So the guards did.

Now he was laughing so hard tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid. I've got a condom on!"
By Corzza
#653994
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
-------------------------
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
-------------------------
What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
-------------------------
How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!
-------------------------
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.
-------------------------
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...
By Corzza
#653996
There were these blonde 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought.

"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.

"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.

"I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window."
By Corzza
#654384
LITTLE Johnny ON MATH


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
Johnny.


He replies, "None , they will all fly away with the first
gunshot."


The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."


Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU.


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:


One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."


To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one
with the Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE Johnny ON MATH (Part 2)


Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic


"Why?" asks the father?


"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies Johnny.


"But that's right!" says his dad.


"Yeah, but then she a sked me "How much is 3x2?'"


"What's the f#cking difference?" asks the father


"That's what I said!"


LITTLE M ARK ON ENGLISH


Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of
a multi-syllable word?"


Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."


Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a
mouthful."


Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
***."


LITTLE Johnny ON GRAMMAR


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a
****!!"


The teacher replied, 'Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to
use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence co rrectly, and I
will allow You to go."


Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight,
but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE Johnny ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for
a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.


First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, "My
father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."


"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael.


" My momm y planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."


She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly
called on little Johnny.


"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father she
was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f#cking beautiful!'"

LITTLE Johnny ON GETTING OLDER

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."


Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f#cking business.
By Corzza
#654928
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."
By Corzza
#654930
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the
devil ....

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On
Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila,
Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink 'til
we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're
dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it'

Sat an: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get
the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our
lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're
already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow ... that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble..'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you
want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots,
whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're
dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean ...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a
doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want. You're dead so who
cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ..
By Corzza
#654931
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.
She slams the door in disgust..

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am
taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to
hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to
answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with
it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same
question.

Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says......
The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my
wife's alone and start using yours'?
By Corzza
#654934
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo ...just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Well, it's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
By SPAWNS
#655355
A retired man went into the Job Centre in downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.



The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist’s examination."



"The annual salary is $ 78,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."



"Good grief; is that where the job is?"



"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."
By Corzza
#655444
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have ***?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....
By Corzza
#655446
The teacher asked the class what fun things they did over the weekend. Little Johnny's hand shot up.

"We went down to the pond with firecrackers, caught a frog and blew its arse off".

The teacher replied, "Rectum, Johnny".

"Bloody oath it did, Miss".
By Corzza
#655448
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,


'Damn, 'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'
By Corzza
#655450
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
By Corzza
#655946
THIS IS PRICELESS.

One day Lettie wanted to bake a cake, but she ran out of eggs.

So she went to her usual grocery store in the Dorp where she lived. As she walked in, the owner, Piet was there and she asked him for a dozen eggs. She went back home and baked the cake.

To her surprise the eggs were vrot, so she went back to the store and this time Piet wasn't there, but his wife Annette was there.

Lettie approached Annette and said" Weet jy, jou man het vrot eiers…”
Annette obviously shocked and upset said: "Hoe weet jy my man het vrot eiers?"
Lettie replied, " Kom ruik my koek." *
By Corzza
#655948
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe ***."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March......."
By Corzza
#656045
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital
By Corzza
#656088
The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast off England. The transcript was released by the MoD on
10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S.NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F OFF
By Corzza
#656089
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "There is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10
pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another,
And another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appears.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,
How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit'' says the Irishman


I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..."
By Corzza
#656090
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left
alone with a man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a
virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of
it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there
something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise
men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this
time!!!!
By TOYnado
#656101
Keep em coming bro...
By Corzza
#656191
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN
A
SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM
AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.


"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY
ARM.


A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER
PALM TO
HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I
HAVE
A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE
HAD
TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND
WENT TO
THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE
OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY
SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!
By Corzza
#656192
DIVORCE VS MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some
cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
By Corzza
#656193
On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, how much do you earn?" The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, but he replied, none the less, "I earn R2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed R6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 month's salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company". He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir!"
By Corzza
#656646
Thank you Chris!!



TEST YOUR VOCABULARY, LESSON FOR NEW YEAR…………..

FILL IN THE BLANKS

1.BOO_S ???

2._ _ NDOM ???

3.F_ _K ???

4.P_N_S ???

5.PU_S_ ???






Scroll down for the answers:









ANSWERS :

1.BOOKS

2.RANDOM

3.FORK

4.PANTS

5.PULSE


MAY GOD BLESS UR DIRTY MIND
By Corzza
#656647
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral ***' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked...'




NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
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