Welcome to the Twincam Club Forum!

We have revived the forum resource for your enjoyment.

Post all your jokes here
Forum rules: Jokes will be deleted after a week with the auto-prune option.

Please don't post jokes that are under the belt. ;)
#663084
Not sure if it a repeat

“Hello?”

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause……….

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my ***!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***……………………….Long Pause……………………………….…***

***……………..…………Longer Pause………………………….………***

***……………………….Even Longer Pause………………………..***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool?

Is this 486-5731?"

No, this is 486-5713.....

Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!
By Corzza
#663219
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.



Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'


He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.



Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'


Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'



He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'


Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '


They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'


The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.


They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.


At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'


Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
By Corzza
#663221
Sue Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

"Congratulations", says the nurse to the new parents.

"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...






"Sum Ting Wong"
By Corzza
#663222
A little girl asked her mother,
"How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
By Corzza
#663223
For all who work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin’s 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, ‘I’m sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out....'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?' Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal - 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.
By BABENZN
#663274
There were two gay guys living together. One of them lacked chest hair

and it seemed to be a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit

the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was anything he

could do about it. Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the

guy, and really the only thing he could do to try and stimulate hair growth

was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily.



The guy was elated. He went home and immediately smothered his chest in

Vaseline. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him,

he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?" "The

doctor said if I put Vaseline on my chest I might be able to grow some

hair" "You idiot," said his partner, "Think about it. If that were

true you'd have a pony tail growing out of your ass by now."
By Corzza
#663618
Letter To Jessie James

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most
beautiful women in the world.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named
"America's Sweetheart."
You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in
front of the world while you were porkin’ away.
You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated arshole cheater on
the planet!
How can you live with yourself!
I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of
$hit that you are:
Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch sometime....

Tiger
By Corzza
#663622
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Zuma and Malema. They're asking for a $10 million ransom.
Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks; "How much is everyone giving on average?"

"About a litre."
By Corzza
#663623
Some Australians were in Durban on holiday.
They decided to check out
Lugs to getta feel of Indian culture.

They were sighted by some Territorial Phoenicians...
the guys were not impressed that these white
boys dare invade their sections

So, in proud phoenician/chatsworthian culture ...
the phoenicians approach the Australians...
the "leader" of the phoenicians addresses the biggest of the
Australians, " ek se bra...u came here to die?!!"
the australian replies,
" no mate....we came here yesterdaai"
#663624
A man gets on a bus and sees a pretty young nun. He sits down next to

>her, and pleads with her: "You are so attractive and I must have s*x
>with you." "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and

>gets off at the next stop. The man is devastated. The bus driver, who

>overheard, turns to the man and says: "I can tell you how to get to
>make love with her!"
>
> "Yeah?", says the man. "Yeah!" say the bus driver.
>
> "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So

> all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of
that
> glowing powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery
> claiming to be an Angel.
>
> "The man promises to give it a Try, and arrives at the cemetery
> dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am an Angel," he
> declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about His face>
>
> "God has directed me to make love with you." The nun agrees without
> question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal s*x, as she is
> desperate not to lose her virginity. The man agrees, and promptly has

> his wicked way with her. This was the best s*x he had ever had.
>
> After finishing, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a
flourish.
>
> "Ha-ha," he laughed happily. "Surprise surprise, I am the man from
the
> bus!"
>
> "Ha-ha," replied the nun. "Surprise surprise I am the bus driver and
I
> am gay!!"
By Corzza
#663625
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be

able to monitor my moods.




We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it

turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big

fu-kin' red mark on his forehead
#663629
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she is
married she was to please her husband and never upset him.



So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled
out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's
clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:

"Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out
loud."
By Corzza
#663860
Along the same sort of theme...

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer (Jeremy Saxton at 65) in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Saxton-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me Saxton-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I sank each pylon, I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Saxton-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya f**k one goat...!"
By Corzza
#663864
Internet Dating in Florida...The retirement village of the USA!!

FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be
5'9'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching
white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT - BOCA TEECA:
Recent widow who has just buried her fourth husband, and now looking for
someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of
breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: CENTURYVILLAGE-LYONS ROAD :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE - BROKEN SOUND
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to
share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? - Boca Lago
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Mustang on Saturday
nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick,
or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track
tapes.

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS - FORT LAUDERDALE
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember
Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

IN MINT CONDITION - DELRAY ***
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
walks well.
By Corzza
#664313
A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explains the problem with the toaster,
and the manager also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"


In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded
By Corzza
#664314
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their
faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.



'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making
love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says
the Coroner.



'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won ?50,000 on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'



The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'







'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.





'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
By Corzza
#664315
On a tour of South Africa, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the sea for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the *** in Hermanus in his car when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.
A helpless man wearinng a gold Aussie rugby jersey and hat was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 5-metre shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a rubber dingy came rushing up with two men wearing green and gold South Africa Rugby jerseys .
Bakkies quickly chucked a harpoon into the shark's side. Habana reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Habana and Bakkies beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the ***.
'I give you my blessing for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I heard that there was some bitter hatred between South Africa and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'.
As the Pope drove off, Habana asked Bakkies 'Who the bloody hell was that bro?' 'That was the Pope bru.'. Bakkies replied. 'He's in direct contact with God, and has access to all of God's wisdom.'
'Well,' Habana said 'He may have access to God's wisdom but the guy don't know f***l about Shark fishing..........is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another Aussie ?'
#664556
Smal son asks his dad wats the difference between potentially and reality.,

Dad said , listen and observe..

He turned to his wife and asked ' huni will you sleep with jacob zuma for a million dollars. she said 'yes of course, i can do so much wit dat money.,,

He asked his eldest daughter ' wil you sleep with brad pit for a million dollars,,, she said ' of course i will, hes so hot..

he asked his big son ' will you sleep with Tom cruise for a million dollars.... he said ' of course i will, i can do so much wit that money..,,


So the father tells his son,,,, so you see we POTENTIALLY have 3 million dollars....

but in REALITY we are living with two hookers and a morphy :D
By Cousen
#664871
DIE POLISIE VANG GATIEP EEN AAND MET 4 KREWE.

POLISIE: MENEER, HET JY 'n LISENSIE OM DIE KREWE TE VANG? "
GATIEP : NEE, IS MY TROETELDIERTJIES EK BRING HULLE ELKE AAND UIT OM 'n
BIETJIE TE SWEM, NA N RUKKIE FLUIT EK DAN KOM HULLE NA MY TOE, DAN STAP
ONS HUIS TOE. "

POLISIE: MAAR JY LIEG MOS NOU MENEER!
GATIEP: NEE MENEER, KOM EK WYS JOU DAN.


GATIEP SIT DIE KREWE IN DIE WATER EN DA GAAN DIE KREWE.

NA N RUKKIE VRA DIE POLISIE: WANNER GAAN JY FLUIT ?
GATIEP: VIR WIE FLUIT?
POLISIE: VIR DIE KREWE?
GATIEP: WATTER KREWE?
By Corzza
#664872
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy...He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began
to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He
became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for
his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific!My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: ' that's terrific!
My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he
started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also
gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ....What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!
By Cousen
#664896
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her,"Hey lady, you're k#k ugly".
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really k#k ugly."
She was incredibly ticked off now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are
k#k ugly." The lady was so ticked off that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he would see to it that the parrot would not be so rude again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot
called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know mos."
By Corzza
#665174
Julius Malema receives a coded message from a Free State farmer, reading: S30d 0773h.
Julius is stunned!!! He calls everyone .... Youth League ... CIA ... FBi, but no one can crack the code.
Finally he calls Koos van der merwe, superintendent of the SAP Intelligence. His reply was quick and to the point .... you holding the paper upside down!!!!
By Corzza
#665175
Ou Van der Merwe en sy vrou bly op 'n plaas. Hulle kan nie kinders kry nie toe besluit hulle om een aan te neem by die weeshuis.

'n Paar dae later kom ou Neels na Van der Merwe: "Baas, baas, daai kind wat baas daar by die weeshuis kry, hy's baie stout, hy't baas sy donkie rooi geverf."

Van der Merwe sê: "ag dis kwaai jong streke"

'n Paar dae later kom Neels weer aangehol: "Baas, daai seuns kind, hy's baie stout, daai skou-kat van Mevrou, hy skeur al sy hare af"

"Ag, ja, dis net kwaai jong streke..."

Die volgende dag kom Neels baie benoud na ou Van der Merwe: "Nou gaan baas baie kwaad wees, daai seun het baas se skou haan, al twee sy voete af gekap"

So raak Van der Merwe baie kwaad en hy bel dadelik die weeshuis. 'n Dame antwoord en hy vertel haar die hele storie: "Mevrou, daai kind wat julle vir ons gegee het is baie stout, eers verf hy my donkie rooi, toe skeer hy my vrou se skou-kat se hare af en toe kap hy die 2 pote van my haan af!!!"

"Sorry Sir, can you repeat that in English please, I don't understand Afrikaans...?"

"Sure madams, that boy you gives for me, he's very naughty's. First he paints my @rse red, then he shaves off all my wife's p*ssy's hair and then he chopped two feet off my c0ck..."
By Corzza
#665176
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows how to answer "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
By BABENZN
#665399
Lalwa Frenzy

1. Lalwa: I divorced my wife on the very First night.

Friend: Why, so?

Lalwa: I saw the label on her panties, "Tested OK by Biharilal Group."




2. Lalwa: Pal, my wife is very much scared of water.

Friend: How can you say that.

Lalwa: When I go home at noon, I always see her taking bath with the security guard.



3. Health Test:
For drawing blood for test the Nurse rubbed, pressed and played with Lalwa's finger.

Lalwa started laughing.


Nurse: Why are you laughing?


Lalwa: My next test is for Urine.



4. Happy and Sorrow:

Husband & wife was having dinner together.

Wife: Darling, tell me something that would make me both happy & sad.

Husband: Your nipples are better than your sister's!


5. Force of Habit

Lalwa told wife on honeymoon night, here keep this $200.00 as I never did this free to a woman, just the force of habit.

Wife returned $100.00 to Lalwa and said, I never overcharged my customers
just the force of habit.




6. Burning Evidence:

Judge: Can you please tell me the exact place where this man raped your wife?

Lalwa quickly lifted Lali's Skirt, who was not wearing underwear & said, "At this spot my lord at this spot."
By Corzza
#665481
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground !"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mum fainted.
By Corzza
#665482
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him
and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's

..then adopt a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...

..then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

..then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

..then adopt a dog !

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care
if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if
every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually ..

..then adopt a dog.

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence
is solely to ensure his happiness .,
.
.

.
.
..then adopt a cat!



Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?
  • 1
  • 4
  • 5
  • 6
  • 7
  • 8

Hello people. This will be my first post on the fo[…]

hey guys, my wiring got burned and ecu aswell. Im[…]

Twincam gearbox

I have a gearbox for sale off my gli twincam. It's[…]