Welcome to the Twincam Club Forum!

We have revived the forum resource for your enjoyment.

Post all your jokes here
Forum rules: Jokes will be deleted after a week with the auto-prune option.

Please don't post jokes that are under the belt. ;)
By Corzza
#659710
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every singleday.

One day,when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, youwere there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.





"I think you're bad luck... get the f..k away from me."
#660255
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff! Ffffff! FfffffF!" but before she could
say 'F * ck Off!' the Rottweiler ate her!
By RSiFAN
#660407
There was this blonde biologist who was doing some experiments with
frogs. She was measuring just how far frogs could jump. So
she puts a frog on a line and says "Jump frog, jump!". The
frog jumps 2 feet. She writes in her lab book: 'Frog with 4
legs - jumps 2 feet'.

Next she chops off one of the legs and repeats the experiment.
"Jump frog jump!" she says. The frog manages to jump 1.5 feet.
So she writes in her lab book: 'Frog with 3 legs - jumps 1.5 feet'.

She chops off another and the frog only jumps 1 foot. She writes
in her book: 'Frog with 2 legs jumps 1 foot'.

She continues and removes yet another leg. " Jump frog jump!"
and the frog somehow jumps a half of a foot. So she writes in
her lab book again: 'Frog with one leg - jumps 0.5 feet'.

Finally she chops off the last leg. She puts the frog on the line
and teels it to jump. "Jump frog, jump!". The frog doesn't move.
"Jump frog, jump!!!". Again the frog stays on the line. "Come
on frog, jump!". But to no avail.

The biologist finally writes in her book: 'Frog with no legs -
goes deaf'
By Corzza
#660571
Old Perumal from Durban , calls his son Pregasen
in Cape Town and says,hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell
you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Aiiiyorrr uppa , what are you talking about?" Prega
screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"old Perumal says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking
about this, so you call your sister Thillagee in Pretoria and tell her."

Frantic, Prega calls Thillagee, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts,
"I'll take care of this."

She calls Durban immediately, and screams at old
Perumal, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a
single thing until I get there. I'm calling Prega back, and we'll both be flying down there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME UPPA?"
and hangs up.

Then old Perumal hangs up his phone and turns to his wife Selvi.
"Okay," he says smiling, "they're coming for Porridge Prayers and paying their own fares...

Now what do we do for Diwali?"
By Corzza
#660573
Farouk and Seggie from Phoenix were in Durbs for the Drags and all, when
they suddenly spotted this sign on a shop window:

Suits R20--00 each
Shirts R10--00 each (Two-Tone only)
Trousers R8--00 per pair
Farouk chuned his bra . "Hey Seg's, check that! Ekse, we could buy a
whole load of those klerres ...

then when we vy back we could flog them and make us some lekker crown
and all!"
"Now listen hear Seg's , when we go into the shop you keep your big
mouth shut, lukka !

Just you let me do all the talking and all the wheeling and dealing
stuff, because if they hear your Phoenix Unit 5 accent,

they might try to rip us off. I'll be giving them my best Durb s accent
so they skeem we're locals."

They go in and Farouk says, "Excuse me sir, I'll take 50 of your finest
suits at R20 each, plus 100 shirts at R10 each, and 50 pairs of your
trousers at just R8 each. I will be paying in cash, and taking those
items with me today, if you don't mind."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You from Phoenix , right?"
"Err....ja" says Farouk, "how do you know?"

The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaner you stupid idiots!"
By Corzza
#660574
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are
the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back , went
"Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F@ck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
By Corzza
#660575
This is a story about a Fly, a Fish, a Bear, a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.



In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist
from the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking, 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking, 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly... and I will grab the fish!!'


It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... 'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can tell you there's more.....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, ' Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish jumps for that fly.. And that bear grabs for that fish.. The dumb hunter will shoot the bear And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time) ' Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches.. And that fish jumps for that fly And that bear grabs for that fish And that hunter shoots that bear.. And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich . Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..

The mouse ducks....

The cat falls into the water and drowns.















NOW, The Moral Of The Story...
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some p#ssy's gonna be in serious danger.
By Corzza
#660946
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had *** together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having *** against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious *** that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic *** life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
By Corzza
#660947
A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Mumtaz, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about ***? Can we finally have ***?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, *** is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure!!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes!!"

"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed."

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing!"
By Corzza
#660948
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in a single line.
Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "that first coffin is for my wife."
What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks
in excitement , "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue."
By Corzza
#661361
Col, the Country Lawyer, ran across an old client,

an aboriginal lady,who was beaming from ear to ear, outside of the
Alice Springs Court ...

She was carrying a sheet of corrugated iron under one arm and a slab of
Fosters under the other.

'G'day Mary', says Col ,

'What are you looking so happy about today?

Just bin to da FamblyCourtCol, about my deevorce, and look,
I got half da house and half da contents!!
By Corzza
#661362
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room,he hears his friend shouting out cries of ..

"Here I come again! ONE,TWO, THREE UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!"
This goes on ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the two met up at breakfast, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. and said "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."
By Corzza
#661594
A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vaction, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleap two per room so they could afford the trip.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didnt get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn’t get any sleep.”

The following night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other debuties. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn’t snore a bit, hehe.”
By Corzza
#661595
Hello, Boss Rod? This is Philemon, the gardener at your country estate.**
I have been trying for to speak with Boss now many days"

"Ah yes, Philemon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Mista Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the National competition?"
"eYebo Boss, that's is the one."

"Dam! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird." "What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Mista Rod"

"Rotten meat? Who in this world fed him rotten meat?"
"eNobody, Boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mista Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"eYes Boss Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Boss"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the!!??....Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a candle??!! "
eYes Boss Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Mista Rod."

"WHAT BLOODYFUNERAL?"

"Of your madam wife, Boss Rod... She showed up one night when telling nobody
she was coming and I thought she was a robber, so I hit her with Boss's new
Tiger Woods Limited Edition Nike Driver."

SILENCE................... ,
LONG SILENCE..................................................

FINALLY ......................,

"Philemon, if you broke that driver, you are in deep, deep sh*t!" *
By Corzza
#662015
I was recently in Miami and decided to learn the Spanish language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds.

My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.

By the time you read the rest of this note, you will be able to understand---"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"....

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes....
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today........

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "......What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine....Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "......and you do, don't you!

If you understand this then the following has some interest as well:

A good friend of mine moved to Georgia many years ago and she called me after her first visit to the grocery store to relate this story. She was in the produce isle and asked an employee where a certain item might be found. His reply ' I'll show you '. When they got there he said ' I'ts rat cheer '. My friend said ' Oh no I don't want something to cheer rats up. *I still get a good laugh when I think about it. She said the man looked at her as though she had lost her mind.
By Corzza
#662016
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing G0d she
asked "Is my time up?"

G0d said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of G0d, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"









G0d replied: "I didn't recognize you."
#662275
Jacob Zuma, Shabir Shaik and Julius Malema are flying in the
Presidential jet to a gathering in Cape Town when Shaik turns to
Zuma and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a R1000 note out
the window right now and make someone very happy."

Zuma shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten R100 notes out
the window and make ten people happy."

Not to be outdone, Malema says, "Well I could throw a hundred R10
notes out the window and make one hundred people happy."

The captain rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant
jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out the
window and make 52 million people happy."

:laughing3: :laughing3: :laughing3:
#662276
A GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE
BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED,SWEATING
AND out of breath "WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS. "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK,"
CRIES THE WOMAN.

HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS
4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN
YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"

THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST
HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR.
SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COVERING ON THE CLOSET
FLOOR. "YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART
ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"
By Corzza
#662359
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw and
spots another man (Veli) on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the
noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning, "need",
and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the
1st floor (Veli) nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts
masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the
1st floor and shouts," What the f*ck is wrong with you, idiot? I said I
needed a handsaw!" The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying
to tell you I'm coming."
By Corzza
#662360
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $30 for a case of 24 cans", he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them", demands his wife.

A few aisles further on she picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks her husband.

"It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful," she replies.

Her husband retorts: "So do 24 cans of beer and they're half the price".

Soon after a voice on the PA system can be heard saying


"Clean up required on aisle 7, we have a husband down"!!!
#662565
Cop that explains mooi
Cop pulls over a taxi.
Cop says: "License please."
Taxi driver says: "What for?"
Cop: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Taxi driver: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License please."
Taxi driver: "What's the difference?"
Cop: "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's
The law. License please!"
Taxi driver: "Heish .... If you can show me the difference between
Slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and you give me the
Ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Cop says: "Exit your vehicle, sir."
The taxi driver gets out of his taxi, whereupon the cop takes out
His truncheon and starts beating the *** out of the taxi driver and says:
"you want me to stop or just slow down?"

EISH, DIE COP HY EXPLAIN BAIE MOOI !
By Corzza
#662710
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but Only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, 'I'm Christiano Ronaldo, the world's number 1 footballer.
FIFA needs me, I can't afford to die.' So he took the first pack and Left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, 'I am the wife of the Former President of the United States
I am the most ambitious woman in The world. I am also New York Senator and a potential future
President. She just took the 2nd parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, Julius Malema, said, 'I'm also a President. Millions of South African youth always look to me for guidance.
Above all I'm the cleverest youth President in African history,
and Africa 's people Won't let me die'.Futhermore I have millions that I have not spent yet. So he put on a pack next to
him and jumped out of the plane.


The fourth passenger, Nelson Mandela, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 yr old Chinese school boy, 'I'm old and have lived a fruitful life,
God will decide my fate, so I'll let you have the last parachute'.
The boy said, 'It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. Africa 's Cleverest (Julius) has taken my schoolbag'.
By Corzza
#662711
Since we are nearing the world cup... we should give tourists tips about travelling on our roads....

1. Never indicate - this will give away your next move. A real south African driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....'

8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the government, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes.

11. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move
the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.

12. Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.

Now guys go out there today and make South Africa proud!!!
By Corzza
#662712
***-Insurance:
Recent studies have shown increasing demand of people not only seeking life insurance, but more specifically ***-Insurance.

The insurance companies have formulated the following options:

Option 1:

If you sleep with your wife

- LEGAL & GENERAL

Option 2:

If you sleep with your wife in your car

- AUTO &GENERAL

Option 3:

If you sleep with someone else's wife:

- MUTUAL & FEDERAL

Option 4:

Sleeping with your mother-in-law

- OLD MUTUAL

Option 5:

If you sleep with a Muslim-girl

- SANLAM

Option 6:

Sleeping with more than one person at the same time

- PRESTASIE MULTIPLEX

Option 7:

Taking advantage of the person you sleep with

- LIBERTY LIFE

Option 8:

Man sleeping with another man

- HOLLARD

Option 9:

Having *** on the spur of the moment

- MOMENTUM

Option 10:

Sleeping with your ex-wife

- OUTSURANCE

Option 11:

Sleeping with a prostitute

- BUDGET


Option 12:

Having *** with someone you don't even know

- DISCOVERY

Option 13:
Having *** with a virgin.
-First for women
By Corzza
#662713
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students



"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady. How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"



"Just a minute, I have to go ****."



"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"



"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."



"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"



"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
By Corzza
#662714
Gatiep appeared on an Afrikaans TV game show, but unfortunately the program presenter wasn't too keen on colored people. For the first question he asked Gatiep, "Can you tell me what Has two wheels, a seat and handle-bars?" "That's easy," said Gatiep,"it's a bicycle."

"Oh bad luck. You were very close, but I'm sorry it's a RED bicycle."
For the next question he was asked, "What has two wheels, a seat,
handle-bars and a motor?"
"A motorbike," answered Gatiep.
"Bad luck, bad luck," said the presenter, "you were so Close again, but
I'm sorry it's a BLUE motorbike." Gatiep was dumbstruck.

"Can I ask you a question, meneer?" "Yes by all means." "Meneer, Can you tell me what is pink, hairy and found between a pair of legs."

"This is a bit embarrassing. We are on TV. I don't know if I can
answer that." "Come on meneer, you can whisper the answer to me if you want." Reluctantly the presenter whispered, "Dit klink soos 'n po*** s." Nee meneer. Jy was amper amper reg, maar nee, dis jou MA se po*** s!!"
By BABENZN
#662784
First-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students


The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"


Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the Principal's office.
The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3x3?"

Boy: "9"

Principal: "What is 6x6?"

Boy: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think
Boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I
ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms Neelam asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy, after a moment: "Legs"!

Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets"!

Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Boy: Coconut


Ms Neelam: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum


Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?" The Principal's eyes open really wide and
before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands


Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Boy: "Yep"


Ms Neelam: "You stick! Your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up.. I get wet before you do."

Boy: "Tent"


Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless, a
bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: "Wedding Ring"


Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good."

Boy: "Nose"


Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver."

Boy: "Arrow"


Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means lot of heat and excitement?"

Boy: "Firetruck"


Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get
it u have to use your hand"

Boy: "Fork"


Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after! They're married?"

Boy: "SURNAME"


Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"

Boy: "HEART"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send
this Boy to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!" :oops:
#662911
Only an Indian woman.

Can nag the old' day without breaking a sweat.

1.1 were u going ?
1.2 what tym u cumming ?
1.3 u drinking ovr der ?
1.4 why u late ??
1.5 which bit-ch gave u food u not hungry !?
1.6 y u wearing nice clothes every day, u got one bit-ch were u work. !!???


ONLY AN INDIAN WOMAN
Can make a meal out of anything just to feed her family

ONLY AN INDIAN WOMAN............
Can raise a doctor, a world class athlete and an A+ student in an
environment deemed by society as dysfunctional, broken and
underprivileged.

ONLY AN INDIAN WOMAN............
Can go from the boardroom to the kitchen and 'keep it real' in both
places.

ONLY AN INDIAN WOMAN............
Can slap the taste out of your mouth.

ONLY AN INDIAN WOMAN............
Can put an indian man and his non-indian date on pins and needles just
by walking into the room.

ONLY AN INDIAN WOMAN............
Can live below poverty level and yet set fashion trends without make up.

ONLY AN INDIAN WOMAN............
Can fight two struggles everyday and make it look easy.

ONLY AN INDIAN WOMAN............
Can make a child happy on Christmas Day even if he didn't get a thing.

ONLY AN INDIAN WOMAN............
Can be admired and fantasized about by men of other races.

ONLY AN INDIAN WOMAN............
Can be 75 years old and look 45 (it's all in the masala)

ONLY AN INDIAN WOMAN..............
Can make other women want to pay plastic surgeons up to R1 million for
physical features she was already born with.

ONLY AN INDIAN WOMAN............
Can be the mother of civilization........

Let the Indian people be proud of their women!

P.S ONLY AN INDIAN LADIES MUTTON CURRY, RUSOO, GINGER MILK & LIVE
CHICKEN CURRY CAN CURE ALL SICKNESS......!! EVEN SWINE FLUUUUUU!!!!!!!!
#662995
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked,

'What did she roll?'

The other answered,

'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY.........................



Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.
#663002
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and
I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.
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