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We have revived the forum resource for your enjoyment.

Post all your jokes here
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Please don't post jokes that are under the belt. ;)
By Corzza
#656649
The name's just Reg.....





A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Reg,' he replies.

'Reg what?' the officer asks.

'Just Reg,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

'Tell me, Reg, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'

I was born Reg Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name.

The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.

I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Reg Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream!

Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Reg Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Reg Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Reg Dingaling, MD, with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Reg Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Reg!

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
By Corzza
#657075
A Nigerian, a Zimbabwean and a South African are sitting in a Soweto
tavern having a pint of beer.
The Nigerian grabs his beer, downs it, throws his glass into the air,
draws a pistol and shoots the glass in mid-air.
He shouts: "In Nigeria we have so many glasses we never drink out of the
same glass twice!"
The Zimbabwean downs his beer, throws his glass into the air, grabs the
gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and says:
"Heela, in Zimbabwe we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap,
so we too never drink out of the same glass twice!"
The South African finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks
up the gun, shoots both the Nigerian and the Zimbabwean and says to the
barman:
"In South Africa we have so many Nigerians and Zimbabweans that we never
have to drink with the same ones twice!"
By Corzza
#657076
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
> 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?...... WELL ,
>
> YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.....................
>
>
>
> MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
> APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
>
>
>
> I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I
> REMEMBERED
> A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH
> SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A
> SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
>
>
>
>
> UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
> BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO
> HAVE
> BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
>
>
>
> AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
> HIGH
> SCHOOL . "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
>
>
>
> "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
> HE ANSWERED , "IN 1965.
> WHY DO YOU ASK?"
>
> "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.
>
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT
> ***, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-**** ASKED :
>
>
>
> "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
By Corzza
#657077
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"



"Ralph, for the FIFTH *CENSORED*' time, CHICKEN!"
By velo69
#657342
German car giant Volkswagen is to launch a radical new model for developing markets; a big brown horse. Following the cancellation of its sub-Lupo project for the Chinese market, code named A000, VW is going back to basics with an equine approach to under-developed markets. As yet details of the new model are sketchy but it's thought that costs will be kept down by offering just one body style (horse) and one colour (brown). However, that doesn't mean VW is skimping in other areas. Our spies say that some kind of 4WD set-up will be standard, probably an adaptation of the Golf's advanced 4 Motion system which can push power to the back hooves in slippery conditions. Engineers are also working flat out to ensure the horse's bi-fuel system can accommodate all grades of carrots and hay. It's not yet known if the horse will be sold in Europe but if it were to come here it would undoubtedly struggle without a diesel powered variant. Interestingly, Volkswagen is not the first manufacturer to develop a long faced, straw chewing model. Toyota have been making donkeys for years
:D :D
By Corzza
#657583
Nelson Mandela, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling home back on Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a cheque.

Finally Nelson Mandela gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call South Africa anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Nelson Mandela got to call South Africa free.

The devil replied, "Since Jacob Zuma became president of South Africa , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
By Corzza
#657584
A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed like an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car and switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then he flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
By Corzza
#657585
A big city-slicker lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Well, apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee.

We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-capped work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushin' from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and dragged himself to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part...)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
By Corzza
#658061
Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive... On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the! Bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... .'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite

Disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
By Corzza
#658062
They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.

They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.

They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.

I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.

Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.

They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.

That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.

Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.

And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.

And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.

There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.

If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar..

When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.

Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.

The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.

For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.

For it seems today they call them the bathroom, or the loo,
If you've never had one out the back, then I feel sorry for you.

For it used to be a way of life, to race along the track,
To answer natures call, at these buildings out the back.
By Corzza
#658063
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather

The building materials for his home.

She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
Full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
Straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think
The man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…

‘I think the man would have said - ‘Well, I’ll be f***d!! A talking pig!’

The teacher had to leave the room.
By Corzza
#658064
Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in
business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three
interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very
interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, “Do you notice
anything different about me?” “Why, yes, I couldn’t help but notice that you
have no ears,” came the reply. Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw
him out of the office

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. But he asked her the same question: “Do you notice anything
different about me?”
“Well,” she said stammering, “you have no ears.”

Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young
man who had recently earned his MBA He was smart, he was handsome and he
seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

“Do you notice anything different about me?”
Much to his surprise, the young man answered, “Yes, you wear contace lenese
don’t you?”

Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.

“How in the world did you know that?”, he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,

“Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!”
By Corzza
#658117
Two blonds meet at a river, one on each side,

One blond yells to the other, " HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!!!?! "

The Blond on the other side yells back " YOUR ON THE OTHER SIDE !!!!! "
By Corzza
#658118
Charles and Camilla!

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got
increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she &
Charles had retired back to their room.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes
darling, ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour

But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

"Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and
Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said
"See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a Head like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to
remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even
tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:

'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
By Corzza
#658119
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks nto a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the for men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
By TOYnado
#658140
Corzza you the man.. I vote we change you status from Guru to the Jokes GURU... :thumbright:
By Corzza
#658181
Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive... On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the! Bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... .'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite

Disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
By Corzza
#658182
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well mum has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
By Corzza
#658183
Two blonds meet at a river, one on each side,

One blond yells to the other, " HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!!!?! "

The Blond on the other side yells back " YOUR ON THE OTHER SIDE !!!!! "
By Corzza
#658481
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I preferred breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved fanny.

Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC
By Corzza
#658483
A couple was going out for the evening.

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a Cricket Bat to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep the old cow from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her into the back yard!

Tell ya what.......She better not shlt in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.
By Corzza
#658484
ATLANTA AIRPORT -
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South.
Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite!


Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R"

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."


Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."


Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."





Pause...






Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"


Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."


Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."


Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --
By Corzza
#658783
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. Along with them comes a police inspector to find out how they
died.

"First body: Frenchman, 60. Died of heart failure while making love to his
mistress. Hence, the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.


"Second body: Scotsman, 25. Won a thousand pounds on the lottery. Spent it
all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning. Hence the smile."

The Inspector asks, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the Coroner, "this is the most unusual one.

Sipho, a street sweeper from Soweto , 30. Struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

Thought he was having his picture taken."
By Corzza
#658784
Pastor John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Pastor wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Pastor realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Pastor wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Pastor looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."
By Corzza
#658785
Sipho's wife collapses and he phones for an ambulance.
"Address please"
4 Eucalyptus street
"Spell it please"
..long long silence....
"Eishhhhhh, if I drag her to Oak street can u pick her up there?"
By Corzza
#659429
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.

"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.

The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."

"Oh, I see," the psychologist said. "It's YOUR child!"
By Corzza
#659436
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY

EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL

WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE

WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER

SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.

SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD

BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.



THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE

THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE

WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD,

LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE

TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND,

GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC

WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS

SHORTS.



SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING

WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC

FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL

HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER

YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.



ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOW STAIRS IN HIS

BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, "HONEY

YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN

TO YOU". "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.

"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS

OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED." BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME

VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
By Corzza
#659438
By this time the 2 Porra's are leka dronk...out of the blue Pedro ask
Padro..."Padro, you...you like the big, fat, ugly woman?"
Padro: "Nooo, me no like big, fat, ugly woman..."
Pedro: "Ooohh...but you like the titshh of the big, fathh woman you."
Padro: "Nooo Pedro, me no like the t*ts of the big, fat woman."
Pedro: "Ahhh, but you..you like the big arsh of fat woman and all."
Padro: "No, no..me no like big arsh of fat, ugly woman me."
Pedro: But Padro...then why you fhuck me wife forrr?...."
By Corzza
#659481
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.


I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"



That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,


Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.



Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time."



Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.



As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.



Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"


There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.



Our prayers have been answered!"
By Corzza
#659709
A man enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have sinned;

it has been one month since my last confession. I've had *** with Fannie Green every week for the last month."


The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."


Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had *** with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."


This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"


"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.


"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."


The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.


All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.


Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.


The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.


The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"


The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
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