Welcome to the Twincam Club Forum!

We have revived the forum resource for your enjoyment.

Post all your jokes here
Forum rules: Jokes will be deleted after a week with the auto-prune option.

Please don't post jokes that are under the belt. ;)
By BoostA3-GP
#642721
THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE – and you think you got problems?



A guy is sitting at the bar, just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor guy starts crying.

“Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.”

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. When I got home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison....."
Last edited by BoostA3-GP on Fri Feb 12, 2010 10:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
By Corzza
#642876
It was entertainment night at the old people's home.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat,
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations".


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SHlT" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the old people's home.
#643200
Lmao.
Good ones !

Just for the record... I doubt everyone will understand this joke so please see it as a joke and not a direct insult.

The Pope and Jacob Zuma died on the same day and because of an
Administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Jacob Zuma went to
Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However",
the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Jacob Zuma coming down from heaven and
they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Jacob Zuma,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
Zuma: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Zuma: "You're a day late"
By Corzza
#643362
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid..

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss..

Here's what you do," said the Doctor,
"stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"



"Ralph, for the fifth time, ROAST CHICKEN!"
By Corzza
#643560
LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL



A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?'
To which Davo replies, 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne
By Corzza
#643562
A Tale of Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea,
one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed
and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark,
and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned
into a shark.Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his
old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new
menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the
mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be
changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them
all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his
old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a
shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's
abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and
shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."


Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,the enemy, and I'll not be
tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
#643932
25 Coolest Jeremy Clarkson Car Quotes

Cool car quotes from Jeremy Clarkson from the TV show Top Gear. He certainly has a way with words. Enjoy!

1. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”

2. [On the Porsche Boxster] “It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”

3. [When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel] “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire.
But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”




4. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.
If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”


5. “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you.”

6. “Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… being stabbed?”

7. [On Detroit] “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”

8. “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”

9. [On the Renault Clio V6] “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”


10. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”

11. [On the Porsche Cayenne] “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”

12. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”

13. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”




14. “If you were to buy a BMW 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”

15. “That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”

16. [On a Chevrolet Corvette] “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

17. [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

18. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”

19. “This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”




20. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”

21. [On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG] “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

22. “I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”

23. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”

24. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”

25. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
By Corzza
#644179
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.


The moral of the story............


Pay your bills!!!
By Corzza
#644184
Four blokes spend weeks planning the perfect camping and fishing trip to a remote and disconnected spot.

Two days before they are due to leave, Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he's not going.

His mates are naturally bummed that he can't go, but what can they do, they decide to push on.

Two days later the three fellas left in the party arrive at the camp site to find Dave sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, beer open and fish cooking on the fire.
Steve: 'Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?'

Dave: 'I've been here since last night. Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who?'
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed were handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.'

'And then she said:' 'Do whatever you want.'

So here I am.
By Corzza
#644635
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed
The game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
See she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,'I think I can save you a grand here.....
By Corzza
#644637
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started Swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, sh *t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f**king Coco Pops"
By TopGunX
#644716
:laughing3: :laughing3: :laughing3:
Corzza strikes again
#644733
Mother and her son were flying with kulula.com from Johannesburg to Durban.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of a quick answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The stewardess smiled sweetly and asked, 'Did your mommy tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes she did.'

'Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes, because kulula.com
always pulls out on time. And you can ask your mommy to explain that one to you!'


:laughing3:
#644825
LITTLE BOY ASKS HIS DAD WHERE POO COMES FROM?

DAD EXPLAINS THAT FOOD PASSED DOWN THE OESOPHAGUS TO THE STOMACH WHERE

DIGESTIVE ENZYMES INDUCE A PROBIOTIC REACTION IN THE ALIMENTARY CANAL TO

EXTRACT PROTEIN BEFORE WASTE PRODUCTS DESCEND VIA THE COLON AND RECTUM

TO EMERGE AS POO.

"F**K ME " SAYS LITTLE BOY, "AND WHAT ABOUT TIGGER?"
By Corzza
#644995
The Pope and Jacob Zuma died on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Jacob Zuma went to
heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However",
the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Jacob Zuma coming down from heaven and
they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Jacob Zuma,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
Zuma: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Zuma: "You're a day late"
By Corzza
#644996
Things to Ponder

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration...
By Corzza
#644997
These are GOLD!!!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down
your throat. Presto!

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
hold while you chop.

3. To avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat, use the
sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. (Remember to use a
timer).

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will
be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
tape.

Thought for the day:
"SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES: NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS."
#645144
Poor Sipho!

Young Sipho goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts
his hands in the flour and covers his head with it.

He says: "Look mamma, I am a white boy!"

His mother slaps him hard on the face and says: "Sipho, go show your dad
what you've done!!"

So he does, and his dad slaps him too.

His granny happens to be right next to his dad and she slaps him
vehemently in disgust.

Then Sipho's mom says: "Did you learn something from all this?

The poor little Sipho nods his head, crying and says:

"I did. I've only been a white boy for 5 minutes and I'm already scared
of you blacks!"
By Corzza
#645531
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
By MR_T
#645878
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent...................187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories explaining why you got out of bed
Immediately................ 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 20-29 years old..........36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over............................ Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
By Corzza
#645915
Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ****-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about *** every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about *** a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some **** that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to *** so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million *** off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ****!!!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol..... they will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
By Corzza
#645916
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that
Anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
Ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She
Proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until
She got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering
Across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up...
And all the other bells started to ring
By Corzza
#646140
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the

Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the

Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'
By RSiFAN
#646287
A German guy approaches a prostitute.
"I vish to buy *** viz you."
"OK," says the girl, "I charge €200 an hour."
"..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky."
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees."
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the *** is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"
"Ah," says the German . . ."zat is ze... Audi."
"Audi?" Asks the astonished *** worker.
"Audi," replies the customer. "Four-sprung Duck Technique."
By RSiFAN
#646296
Malema and Zuma go into a local diner for lunch.

As they read the menu, the waitress comes over and asks
Zuma , "Are you ready to order?" Zuma replies, "Yes, I'd
like a quickie!"

"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the past
situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good
idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the
menu!" She walks away.

Malema leans over to Zuma and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."
By RSiFAN
#646301
Do you know what Rodeo *** is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds
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